1. |
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|
what have you done to me?
you pumped it into my body
klonopin and benzodiazepines
what have you done to my mind?
the memories are so hard to find
and they are still impossible to forget
i am full of regret
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2. |
(heavy breathing)
01:26
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3. |
going away again
01:21
|
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|
i am going away again
i'm sorry to all my friends
you can write me at McLean
i will not forget your face in these halls
i will not erase the place you take up in my heart
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4. |
god is an abusive father
03:43
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|
do you ever wander these halls at night like a ghost?
do you ever wonder what god loves the most?
it can't be me
because he wouldn't do this to his favorite son
it can't be me because i am the dead one
god is an abusive father
do you ever wonder why you were born to die?
so do i
god is an abusive father
god is abusing me
physically, emotionally, and sexually
god is an abusive dad
god is a deadbeat dad
god is a bad person
god is an abusive, abusive, abuser
he abuses me
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5. |
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|
go ahead and do it already
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6. |
evil
02:21
|
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|
erect and self-evident
erotic and self-employed
evil and self-effacing
evil and self, evil
evil, evil, self
selfless, thoughtless, mindless, soulless,
hopeless, harmless, talentless!
horny, holy, holy cow!
sacred sewing so loud
evil body
evil mind
evil mental hospital of mine
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7. |
did you know
02:51
|
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|
did you know what you did to me?
you molest the ghost of me
we went fishing and you took my hand
i always punch myself, and you never stand
did you know what you did to me last night?
i haven't talked to you in two years but you raped me all right.
did you know you would be in my dreams every time?
did you know that you would never be mine?
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8. |
time is a mugshot
02:17
|
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|
i am going to die someday.
i am going to go alone.
i am going to die.
i am angular time.
time moves forward, time moves back.
time is a mugshot of someone who cracked.
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9. |
jellyfish
02:47
|
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|
the hermit crabs under your eyes,
the sea jellies stuck to your thighs!
you stang yourself! you stang and you despise,
you broke your hip! you broke your spine!
you are a jellyfish
i'm a cnidarian
polyp to medusa
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10. |
i care about you
01:58
|
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|
it was dark and your hands were cold,
so i held them when you asked me to
when i thought i knew you
when it got brighter you went away
and your hands were warmed by the sun
when you grew, i said, well,
"just be safe and have fun."
i care about your safety and i care about your self
i never want to see you doubt yourself
like i do
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11. |
punching bag
01:28
|
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|
please
don't do as i do to me
please
do as you please
because i treat my body like a punching bag
and if i were you i wouldn't do that
|
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12. |
journey
01:25
|
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|
the fragment is falling
the roof is cracked
the horse is calling
there's no turning back
the journey is incomplete
it's time to get off and walk on your feet
|
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13. |
the part and the whole
03:14
|
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|
i am not just one thing
i am not singular
i am not i, we are we
i am part of a separate thing
do you know what it's like to wake up
and not know who you are?
i am a part of a greater whole
i am a story that can only be told
by a chorus of forces beyond our control
i am a part, i am a part, i want to be a whole
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14. |
throw me away
01:59
|
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|
i'm garbage
i am trash
i am worthless
i am trash
i don't love myself
how could i?
i will kill myself
i
i don't love myself
i don't want to
throw me away
throw my body away
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15. |
fuck those doctors!
01:27
|
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|
i can't do a puzzle
i can't, i can't, i can't put the pieces
in a square formation
(that's the shape the puzzle is in, the puzzle is in)
i can maybe do the edge if i'm lucky
i can maybe do the corners
but, the thing is, i don't, know how, to do, this thing,
that doesn't matter
fuck those doctors!
fuck those doctors!
preach, amen!
preach, preach! hallelujah, hallelujah, baby yeah!
fuck those doctors!
fuck what they say
i don't want to take my meds
i don't want to do that puzzle anyway
|
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16. |
jehovah, just my luck
01:04
|
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|
just my luck
just my luck
i'm immortal, like you
just my luck,
jehovah, just my luck
you made me just like you
why did you do a stupid thing like that?
why did you make me real?
why did you do a stupid thing like that?
why don't you just kill me before it's too late?
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17. |
tense up
02:11
|
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|
tense up my spine
roll up my sleeves
and go back to work
tense up my chords
tense up my body
and go back to work
i work all day and i work all night
i work til i can't say if it's day or night
|
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18. |
(ticking away)
01:06
|
|||
19. |
structural dissociation
06:19
|
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|
primary dissociation happens to an adult. in this case, the patient suffers one single traumatic event. this is called "post-traumatic stress disorder." according to this model, the patient will feel like themself but a little part of them will be in hell.
secondary dissociation happens when a child endures chronic trauma and develops in response with borderline and c-ptsd.
tertiary dissociation happens when a child is chronically mistreated and their brain responds by never forming a congealed whole of the fragmented ego states that arise in differential situations. instead, the child will keep those parts separate. in adulthood, those parts will remain split. they will be multiple, plural, and they will be different.
the outcomes vary. the phenomena are relatively unstudied (there's a lack of funding for these things.) ptsd, and borderline, and dissociative identity disorder are all different parts of the same whole: the brain saves itself.
|
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20. |
love song for rose
01:31
|
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|
rose, without you
i would be no one
and i would be dead.
i need me,
but i also need you.
i love you for who you make me,
i love you for you too.
|
||||
21. |
double exposure
02:42
|
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|
your memories feel like polaroids that didn't fully develop
your memories are film i exposed too soon
you are a snapshot, i shutter
you are a photo i uncover
double exposure
lens flare
double exposure
i will remember you there
|
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22. |
what should i say?
02:51
|
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|
what should i say when you say you hate yourself?
because you are better than almost anyone else.
what should i say when you say you wanna die?
when i know full well that you are going to cry?
|
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23. |
you are a lighthouse
02:53
|
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|
holy smoke
fire and ash
holy water
immersive bath
every time he rapes me i am reborn
every time he hurts me i wake up on the floor
and i don't know where i am
but you will find me, naked and damp
you close the door
you wash my hair
you are a lighthouse
i am a wreck
but it's not cause and effect
it's breathing
it's not exhale or inhale
it's deep believing
|
||||
24. |
you took care
05:31
|
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|
after it happened you'd kiss my hair
after you happen, i knew you cared
you are more than a figment of my imagination
you are more than a product of dissociation
after it happened you would tell me a story
you took care
you took care
you took care of the vessel and the contents
after it happens now you wash me off
after it happens, you treat me with love
you took care
you took care of me
you still care about me, now that i'm grown
you could never stop it! but you could clean up the mess
you could never stop him! but i know you did your best
you took care
you took care
you still take care of me
you took care
you took care
you know how to be
when i don't know how to be
when i don't know who i am
|
||||
25. |
BIG MOOD
02:35
|
|||
|
big mood
|
||||
26. |
blood pressure
01:14
|
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|
i love getting my blood pressure taken four times in a row
it hurts like my hand is falling off in pieces
and the thermometer beeped minutes before they can tell me
what i already know
what i already know is that i am fat and ugly
but that doesn't stop them coming through my room when i sometimes
find a way to make the thing work, way to make the thing work
and when it works i don't question it! i don't question it.
i don't, i don't, i don't question it.
|
||||
27. |
a/bandonment
02:34
|
|||
|
apace, abreast, awake, away
i run away
alone, afraid
i am afraid of you but i am afraid of abandonment more
|
||||
28. |
i am nothing
01:55
|
|||
|
i am nothing if not proud to be here with you
i am nothing if not sad to be away when you go away
i am nothing anyways,
so go where you please
nothing matters to me
|
||||
29. |
||||
|
here's a fun trick to play
tell yourself it will only be a couple more days
you know you'll be here another month
you don't even know what you'll have for lunch
but you think you know what the future holds
you think you know what the future holds
well you don't, you don't, you don't you don't
and i'll prove it to you
|
||||
30. |
come to me
02:19
|
|||
|
don't go to that doctor with your problems
come to me, come unto me, cum on my face
don't turn to the church
don't call for nurse
don't, don't make it worse
come to me, come unto me, cum on me
|
||||
31. |
artery
02:59
|
|||
|
low energy, low energy
i'm having problems with concentration
low energy, low energy
i'm having to ask for help
motivation, concentration, are you constipated?
would you come to us for help if you needed to help?
would you tell us if you wanted to self harm?
inside of my arm, there's an artery
and it's part of me that i will never show you
i keep it to myself
inside of my arm, inside of my arm, there's an artery
it's part of me that i keep to myself
you can go to hell if you want to see it
if you want to bleed it dry of my will to get the help that you won't give me
if you give your hand i will show you that you are still
pumping the blood out into your digits
in your fingers there is all i need to know
|
||||
32. |
friends
03:20
|
|||
|
i like the way you smile
i like the way you look at me
like i'm a creature, like i'm a child
i like the way you walk
i like the way you come to me when you can't sleep
when you can't fall asleep
when you can't trust your bed
when you think it would be better to be better to be dead
when you smile like you're never gonna smile again
like it's over
like it's already over
but it ain't over yet
being in the hospital isn't fun, it's not a vacation
being in the hospital is not a spa, but it is a retreat
of sorts, it's a retreat of sorts, and sort of, sort of,
but not a defeat. it's not a defeat
the alarm goes off! the alarm starts ringing
it's time to start the day, it's meds, and vitals time
it's breakfast, it's group already
i like the way you smile
i like the way you look at me
i like the way talk when we make eye contact
when you are wrapped in a weighted blanket
when it is time to go to bed again
because it's important to have friends
|
||||
33. |
i know that you know
02:55
|
|||
|
i am sorry you're hurting
but i'm glad that you're still here.
i am glad you are here,
is that selfish? is that weird? that i know i love you?
i know that you know that i don't wanna be alive
i know that you know that i don't wanna be alive
i know that you know that i don't want to do this anymore
but i know that you know that i'd go on living for you
|
||||
neither Providence, Rhode Island
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